Drow Guard 1 - (Looking at audience) I’ve been on the job…man, seems like forever.  73 years?  Something like that.  Yeah, I’m kind of the guy down at HQ all the other guys kinda look up to.  Kind of a mentor.  If you can imagine it, I’ve been through it all on this job.

Drow Guard 2 - (Sitting next to Drow Guard 1 on their lizard mount, about to take a bite out of his McYochlol’s sandwich, looking at him with a puzzled look on his face.)

Drow Guard 2 - >.>

Drow Guard 2 - <.<

Drow Guard 2 - …Who the HELL are you talking to?!

Drow Guard 1 - You know, the audience.

Drow Guard 2 - (Looking around at nothing) Huh?

Drow Guard 1 - You know…our viewers back home.

Drow Guard 2 - Did you hit your head or something?  You’re acting even more weird then usual…

Drow Guard 1 - No, I just thought this whole “Drow Guard” thing was getting a little stale, so I thought this might make it a little more fun and interesting. ^.^

Drow Guard 2 - …>.>;

(Suddenly, their scanner picks up something)

Dispatch: We have a 1214 in progress on Mushroom Grove Dr., all units please respond.

Drow Guard 1 - That’s us!  Looks like lunch break’s over partner!  Lets roll! (Drow Guard 1 taps the magic inscription that ignites the spinning red and blue fairy fire on their lizard mount’s head and starts the Wail of the Banshee siren.  Their lizard mount takes off like a bat outta hell, forcing Drow Guard 2 to drop and spill his sandwich all over himself)

Drow Guard 2 - >.< Damnit!

(Drow Guard 1 slips a sound rune tile into their radio, which begins playing music that sounds like it was made with a Casio keyboard.)

Radio: …Drow Guards!  Whatcha want, whatcha want, whatcha gonna do?  When Drow Guard 1 come for you?  Tell me!  Whatcha gonna do?  Whatcha gonna doooo? Yeaheah!

Drow Guard 2 - <.< You made this yourself, didn’t you?

Drow Guard 1 - Yup!  ^.^  How did you know?

Drow Guard 2 - Because it suc-

Drow Guard - Shh!  Here comes the best part!

Radio: Drow Guards!  Drow Guards! Whatcha gonna do?  Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?  Drow Guards!

Drow Guard 2 - (Face palm)

(Shortly after, and closer to their destination…)

Drow Guard 1 - (Now singing along with himself on the radio, just as badly) We’re too bad!  We’re too cool!  We’re too bad!  We’re too cool!

Drow Guard 2 - …And ANOTHER thing!  Since when have “All the guys at HQ looked up to you?”  Everyone hates you!  No one even talks to you!

Drow Guard 1 - Ack! We’re almost here!  (Reluctantly turns radio off, then looks back to the audience)  You see, what we got here is a 1214, your standard domestic disturbance report.  We get these a lot down in this district.  Lots of mobile mushroom trailers here.  What we sometimes call ‘Drow Trash.’

Drow Guard 2 - Yeah, I KNOW.  I’ve done this for even longer then you, you jackass!

Drow Guard 1 - No, I’m talking to our viewers again.

Drow Guard 2 - WHAT VIEWERS?!?!

(The Drow Guards finally arrive at the address in the mobile-mushroom trailer park and dismount their lizard, walking to the front door of a particularly crappy looking giant mushroom.)

Drow Guard 2 - (knocks on the front door with his baton)  Hello?  Drow Guard.  We got a report of a domestic disturbance…

Female Voice From Inside - …N-no…You must have the wrong house…

Drow Guard 2 - Would you mind opening up the door, ma’am?

Female Voice From Inside - …um…o-ok…

(After a pause and some banging around that sounded like someone moving furniture, the door opens just a crack, showing half the face of a trashy looking succubus girl, her eye black and her lip cut and fat.)

Drow Guard 1 - Are you ok, Ma’am?

Trashy Succubus - …Um…yeah.

Drow Guard 1 - Is there anyone else in there with you, Ma’am?

Trashy Succubus - …No…

Drow Guard 2 - Do you mind if we come in then?

Trashy Succubus - (Looks back into the house nervously.  Some muttering can be heard inside, and then she looks back to the Drow Guards.)  ...Um...

Male Voice From Inside - Well who the hell is it bitch?!

Drow Guard 2 - (Forces the door to stay open with his hand so she can't close it) We’re gonna need to come in there, Ma'am.

Trashy Succubus - ...ok...

(She steps back as Drow Guard 2 pushes the door open with much difficulty, seeing the inside of the house has been trashed, with furniture and items thrown all around, some of it previously blocking the door.  Her clothes are ripped and have blood on them, and her face and body are covered with the previously mentioned injuries, as well as various other bruises and such.)

Drow Guard 1 - (Following DG2 in, he pulls out his baton and talks into his radio) Dispatch, we're gonna need back up, suspect is still on scene.

Drow Guard 2 - So where is he, Ma'am?

Trashy Succubus - (Reluctantly points to the next room)

(Drow Guard 2 steps into the next room as Drow Guard 1 talks to the Trashy Succubus.)

Drow Guard 1 - Are you going to need any medical attention, Ma'am?

Trashy Succubus - (Looks towards the next room and reluctantly shakes her head.)  ...N-no...

Szordrin - (Sitting on the couch in the living room, in a stained wifebeater, drinking a beer and scrying some TV.)  Well?  I said who the *beep* is at the door bitch!  Are you gonna make me -

(Szordrin notices Drow Guard 1 & 2 as the Trashy Succubus step into the room.)

Szordrin - You *beep*ing bitch!  I can't believe you called the *beep*ing Drow Guard!  You know I'm on parole!  I'll kill you!  (Szordrin jumps up, only to see both DG's smacking their batons in their hands, which quickly calms him down.)

Drow Guard 2 - Is there a problem, sir?

Szordrin - N-no.  It's just...Well...I mean...this is all just a misunderstanding is all...sorry you fine gentlemen were troubled having to come here...

(Drow Guard 1 and Drow Guard 2 each walk up and flank Szordrin on both sides.)

Drow Guard 1 - Why don't you have a seat and tell us what happened, sir?

Szordrin - Um...yeah..sure...(sits back down nervously).  Um...you fellas want something to drink?  Lemme get you something to drink.  (Looks to the Trashy Succubus)  Bitch!  What the hell do you think you're doing just standing around there like that?!  Get these hard working gentlemen something to drink damnit!

(The Trashy Succubus flinches and quickly runs to the kitchen, getting some drinks)

Szordrin - Heh, women, huh?  They'd lose their heads if we didn't tell em to remember em, huh?  You know what I mean fellas?

Drow Guard 2 - No...thats quite alright sir, we don't need anyth-

Drow Guard 1 - Ooh!  Do you guys have any 'Shroom Aid?  The red flavor?  In a sippy cup?

Drow Guard 2 - (Glares at DG1)

Szordrin - Uh...No, I think all we have is beer and water...

(The Trashy Succubus returns, carrying 4 dirty glasses of water, trying to keep from spilling any)

Szordrin - Damn it bitch, Water?  WATER?!  Where the *beep* is my *beep*ing beer?!

(The Trashy Succubus flinches and cringes, ending up spilling and dropping all the cups.  She tries to clean up the mess on the floor and begins sobbing)

Szordrin - Damn it!  (Stands up and raises his hand like he's going to slap her, only to have Drow Guard 1 grab his hand)

Drow Guard 1 - You mind telling us what happened here tonight, sir?

Szordrin - (Calms down and sits back down) Uh...yeah...sure.  See, we were moving some furniture and she just fell down a little.  Er, a lot.  You see how clumsy she is.  Right babe? (Glaring at the Trashy Succubus)

(Drow Guard 1 & 2 both look to her)

Trashy Succubus - ...Um...y-yeah...(reluctently nodding.)  I just fell.

Drow Guard 2 - (Looks back to Szordrin) Have you been drinking tonight, sir?

Szordrin - (Finishes off the last bit of beer in the can he has and drops it to the large pile of empty cans on the floor, and lets out a loud belch.)  ...No.

Drow Guards 1 & 2 - ...

(Sirens can be heard outside as back up arrives)

Drow Guard 1 - (Reaches for Szordrin) Sir, I'm afraid I’m going to hafta ask you to come with us.

Szordrin - No!  (Begins struggling, only to have DG 1 & 2 restrain him)  Damn it!  You see what you did bitch?!  You know what's going to happen to me?!  It's all YOUR fault!

Trashy Succubus - (sobbing and reaching for Szordrin) No!  I'm sorry baby!  Please don't take him away!

Szordrin - (Calming down he stops resisting the officers) It's ok...I'm ok fellas.  Sorry...it's just...been a rough day...(waves the Trashy Succubus over) I'm sorry babe...You know I don't mean it.  I only hit you because I love you so much...Come'ere...

Trashy Succubus - (Sniffling, she walks towards Szordrin) Really?  You mean it?

Szordrin - (Suddenly a knife appears in his hand and begins swinging it wildly at her.) I’ll Kill you, you crazy bitch!  You're dead to me!  DEAD!

(The Drow Guards finally manage to get Szordrin restrained again.)

Trashy Succubus - (falls to the floor sobbing)

Drow Guard 2 - (Talking into radio) Suspect is resisting arrest!  Suspect is armed!  (Wrestles knife out of his hands)  Cuff him #1!

Drow Guard 1 - (Pulls out a pair of pink, feathered handcuffs, and slaps them on Szordrin) Check and mate!

Drow Guard 2 - (Looks to DG1 in disbelief)  WTF are those?!

Drow Guard 1 - Oh... heh... >.>; I must have accidentally put on the costume Zeth left behind instead of my uniform.  (Sniffs)  Ahhh...it still smells like him...

(The Drow Guards walk the combative Szordrin outside and to the awaiting patty wagon lizard mount.  Drow Guard 2 walks over to talk with the Trashy Succubus.)

Drow Guard 2 - Ma'am, are you SURE you don't want to file charges?  He's just going to do it again.

Trashy Succubus - (Sobbing)  N-no...  Don't take my little Stabitty away!  Please!

Drow Guard 2 - (Sighs in frustration) Well we'll have to keep him locked up for the night.  Do you have someplace you can go?

Trashy Succubus - (Sniffling)  ...Y-yes...I can...go to my sister's...

Drow Guard 2 - Well you go ahead and do that.  And I would suggest you take some time to reevaluate your relationship, Ma'am.

(Drow Guard 2 returns to their lizard mount, where Drow Guard 1 is talking to the audience)

Drow Guard 1 - You see, in a lot of these cases, the victim is so terrified, they won't press charges.  We'll hold him for resisting arrest and brandishing a weapon, but here in the Underdark, he'll only be locked up for the night.  If the victim here doesn't take a stand and put her foot down, the circle of abuse will just keep continuing in an endless circle.  It's sad really.

Drow Guard 2 - ...>.> Are you quite finished yet?

Drow Guard 1 - ^.^ Yes.

(The scanner picks up again)

Dispatch: Unit 4, please respond?

Drow Guard 1 - That's us!  Let’s roll, partner!

Drow Guard 2 - Stop saying that!

(The two Drow Guards hop on their lizard mount and take off to the next crime scene)

Drow Guard 1 - (looking towards the Audience again) You know...in this job...you see all kinds of stuff.  The kind of stuff that makes it hard to sleep at night.  Man, I could tell you some stories.  That’s why you need that special somebody.  You know...the one that makes it all worth while.  The one you do this for.  (Pauses and looks to the audience.)

Drow Guard 1 - Me?  Oh, yeah, of course I have somebody-

Drow Guard 2 - ...Nobody asked you a question!

Drow Guard 1 - Shh!  You're ruining the moment!  Anyways... (Pulls out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures in it.)  Drow Guard 2's Wife...his wife again...His wife naked...ah!  Here we go!  Here's my special little someone back home.  (Shows a picture of a very roughed up, plushie Zeth.)

Drow Guard 2 - (Just burying his head in his hands at the thought of his wife and Drow Guard 1, together)  *muttering* She was your sister man!

Drow Guard 1 - (Ignoring DG2) Yeah... He's kind of in bad shape right now.  In need of a serious operation... (Getting teary eyed) That’s why you keep going...for them...

Drow Guard 2 - What ‘operation’?  You just wanted to gut a 'Tickle Me Jarlaxel EXT' doll and stick it inside that disgusting plushie shell...

Drow Guard 1 - Don't you judge our love!

(The duo shows up in the fancy district of the ruling houses, and head to one of the large houses.)

Drow Guard 2 - Yeah, this is just a simple 413.  Noise complaint.  Damn it!  Now you got ME talking to them!

Drow Guard 1 - (Giggling like a little girl) We come out here at LEAST once a week it seems.

(The duo makes their way through the house, escorted to the front door of a separate wing.  What can be heard is VERY loud, VERY wild 'illicit activity' inside)

Drow Guard 1 - (Giggling wildly)

Drow Guard 2 - Will you TRY and act like a professional?  (Knocks on the door.)

(No one answers, as the knock could barely be heard over the noises.)

Drow Guard 2 - (Knocks again, much harder) Hello?  Drow Guards here.

(The noises stop)

Female Voice inside - (Answering sweetly) Just a minute!

Drow Guard 1 - I wonder what she's gonna be wearing today!  Teehee!

Drow Guard 2 - (Lightly wacks DG1 upside the back of his head with his baton)

Drow Guard 1 - Hey!  Oww!  Meanie!

(The door opens, with a petite and very attractive young girl standing in little more then a negligée, her hair and makeup still looking perfect.)

Taralynn - Hello!  What seems to be the problem Officers?

Drow Guard 1 - (Giggling still)

Drow Guard 2 - We got a noise complain, Ma'am.  AGAIN.

Taralynn - Really?  That’s funny, I don't remember hearing anything.  Are you sure you have the right room?  (Looking into the room to the male inside)  Rylden, sweetie, did you hear anything?

(A large Drow male walks to the doorway, his clothing looking like it was thrown on haphazardly at the last second, his pants on backwards and his shirt inside out.  His hair is a mess and he looks quite sweaty and exhausted)

Rylden - ... (Shakes his head no.)

Taralynn - I don't know what it could have been officers, really.  Me and my study partner here were just cramming for a biology test tomorrow.  (Taralynn bats her eyelashes and tries to look all sweet and innocent.)

(The Drow Guards look at her incredulously, Drow Guard 1 trying to stifle his giggles)

Drow Guard 2 - ...Uh huh...

Taralynn - You see, my study buddy, Rylden here is mute, so it obviously wasn't him.  Maybe the TV was on a little too loud?  You think that could be it?

Rylden - ... (Nodding)

Drow Guard 2 - Uh-huh.  I'm sure that must be it.

Taralynn - You couldn't POSSIBLY be insinuating that a sweet little thing like ME could me making all that ruckus, do you?  (Bats her eyelashes again)  Because if you are, I’m SURE we could go talk to my mother, MATRON SI'LIZORN and she'd be HAPPY to straighten this whole thing out.

Drow Guard 1 - (Winces at the prospect of having to deal with a ranking matron, trying to incriminate her daughter no less)

Drow Guard 2 - (Sighs in Frustration) No...That’s quite all right.  We 'believe' you.  Just...even though it wasn't you...if it WAS...could you please keep it down?  Even though it wasn't you.  But if it was...

Taralynn - (Shrugs all sweet and innocently) Why I have no idea whatever you mean officer...but I would certainly try and keep our studying down if it's causing a disturbance. (Batting her eyelashes again)

Drow Guard 2 - Uh-huh.  See that you do.

(As the door closes, the Drow Guards don't even have time to walk away before they hear the sound of ripping clothing)

Female Voice inside - Get those pants off!  What’s my name bitch!  Say my name!  (Slapping sounds are heard)  Who's your Matron!  Who's your Matron!

(The Drow Guards sigh in frustration and return to their lizard mount)

Drow Guard 2 - (Now in the driver's seat of the Lizard mount, looking at Drow Guard 1)  ...This is stupid.

Drow Guard 1 - Nonono!  Just try it!  It's fun!  I promise!

Drow Guard 2 - Meh.  Fine.  What do you want me to say?

Drow Guard 1 - Just look to the audience and tell us about why you do this.  About your family or something.

Drow Guard 2 - What Audience!  There is no- gah, FINE!  (Looks to the fictitious audience)  I've been doing this for as long as I can remember.  You know, the whole Drow Guard thing.  It pays the bills.

Drow Guard 1 - *whispers* Now tell them about your family.

Drow Guard 2 - ...(Sighs) Yeah, I guess I do it for my family too.  Hot, unfaithful wife and a couple little bastard children.  You wanna make the Underdark as safe a place as you can for em, ya know?  So you don't come home and find out that little Billy got eaten by some drunk guys lizard mount, while he was getting molested by some old wizard or something.  You gotta try and keep the streets clean.

Drow Guard 1 - (Popping his head in the scene, and looking to the audience) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention before, I do it for #2's wife too!

Drow Guard 2 - Damnit!  You asshole!  (Begins pummeling Drow Guard #1)

(Several minutes later, Drow Guard 2 returns his attention to the audience)

Drow Guard 2 - ...Yeah...as I was saying...me and the Mrs...we're having some issues...but...we're trying to work through them and all...

(The duo patrols the streets, eventually making their way to the red light district.  They stop in front of a dark alley, shining some fairy fire to see what’s going on.  Inside the alley, is a small lizard mount, rocking back and forth.)

Drow Guard 2 - Damn it, every time...

Drow Guard 1 - (Now sporting a black eye) We get a lot of prostitution in this area.  Hell, it's our main tourist attraction!  But you gotta try and curb as much of it as you can, ya know?  Can’t let it get out of control.

Drow Guard 2 - There's not much you can do though.  I mean, if you arrest the girls, they'll be back on the street corner within the hour.  It's not much worse for the johns.  A little humiliation, a little fine, a night in the big house.  There's really not much you can do...

Drow Guard 1 - It IS the oldest profession in the world after all...

(They turn on the Wail of the Banshee siren a few times, letting out a "Whoop Whoop!"  Suddenly whoever was in the passenger's seat sits up, pulling their head out of the lap of the driver.  The Drow Guards pull up their Lizard mount next to the suspects.)

Drow Guard 2 - Remain on the lizard mount!  Hands in the air!  No sudden moves!

(As they pull up, they flash some fairy fire to get a better look at the culprits, who have to flinch from the bright light.  There is a young man, somewhat preppy looking driving the lizard mount, with a woman who was obviously a street walker next to him.)

Unknow Male - No!  This isn't how it looks officer!  I swear!  My girlfriend and I were just-

Drow Guard 1 - Can we see some ID sir?  And you Ma'am?

(As the male begins nervously digging for his ID, the female leans forward flashing a smile and a wave to the Drow Guards)

Unknown Female - Hello boys!  Nice to see you again!  How have you been?

Drow Guard 2 - Sintesse?

Drow Guard 1 - Sintesse!!!  Heya girlfriend!  (Drow Guard 1 begins bouncing up and down excitedly)

(The male finally hands over some ID, which Drow Guard 2 snatches away.  The male then looks to his "date" and wondering why she's so chummy with the officers.)

Drow Guard 2 - Exile, huh?  Do you mind stepping out of the car, sir?

Exile - Uh, yes sir!  Right away sir!  I'm sorry sir!

Drow Guard 2 - (Motions for Drow Guard 1 to go around to the other side of the car.)  You go ahead and take care of little Miss "open 24/7" there.  I'll deal with the John.

Exile - No...Seriously guys...I’m not a John!  Sintesse is my girlfriend!  We’re just on a date!  We're a couple!

Drow Guard 2 - Uh-huh.  Yeah, Sintesse is a LOT of guys’ girlfriend on this corner buddy.

Exile - >.<

Drow Guard 1 - (Over on Sintesse's side of the mount)  ...OMG, you look so good tonight girlfriend!  Is that a new thong?!  I LOVE it!

Sintesse - Yeah!  I found this new place down in the merchant's district, OMG, you SO have to go with me!

(Sintesse and Drow Guard 1 are jumping up and down together, squealing)

Drow Guard 2 - (Cuffing Exile) ...and do you understand these rights as I've read them to you?

Exile - (Panicked) No!  I have no idea what's going on!  She's my girlfriend!  Honest!

Drow Guard 2 - Yeah, save it for the Judge in the morning buddy.

(On the other side of the lizard mount)

Drow Guard 1 - ...So that should get rid of my rash?

Sintesse - It sure will!  And listen, I'm REALLY sorry about that!  I mean how was I supposed to know that-

Exile - (Shouting to Sintesse) Sintesse!  Please!  Tell them what's going on!  I'm your Boyfriend!  They're taking me to jail!

Sintesse - Oh...sweetie...I’m sorry, but...you see how this works is, either they're gonna take ME to jail, or they're gonna take you.  And it's not gonna be me, so...(waves to him goodbye and blows him a kiss)

(Both Drow guards are nodding)

Sintesse - Oh!  But don't worry!  I should work up enough money to cover your bail in about 3 hours.  2 if I can find someone freaky enough!  So don't worry sweetie!  And don't drop the soap!

Exile - (Sobbing now as Drow Guard 2 leads him to the back of their lizard mount)

Drow Guard 1 - Oh!  So we'll see you down at the precinct in a few hours?!

Sintesse - >.>  Make it like...6...  Even I need a break from the ol' balls and chain every now and then, ya know?  A girl just wants to have fun. ^.^

Drow Guard 1 - OMG!  Lemme borrow that thong when you get there!  I'll bring something and we can swap and-

(Nothing but more jumping around and squealing is heard again, until the pair separate.  Drow Guard 1 returns to the Lizard mount and Sintesse walks out of the alley, standing on the corner outside it, soliciting every passer by.)

Drow Guard 2 - (To audience) So yeah, she'll get right back to work and the John here'll spend the night in lock-up.  He'll be back on the streets by morning, and I bet we'll be picking him up again before the week is out.  

Exile - (handcuffed on the back of the lizard mount, sobbing) She's supposed to be my girlfriend!

(After dropping the suspect off at the precinct, the Drow Guard get another call on their scanner)

Drow Guard 2 - Never a moment to rest, eh?  Looks like it’d gonna be one of those days.  Well, lets get going…

Drow Guard 1 - No, it’s “Let’s Roll!”

(To be continued…)

***Drow Guards are filmed with the real men and women of the Underdark Guard Enforcement.  All persons shown are assumed guilty unless they can pull a miracle out of their ass and prove their innocence in the Drow High Court of “Law.”***